**

"Let Me Show You My Boat."

Let me tell you about my day job.

I'm a secretary.

I log entries into a database. When I've added the whole pile of paperwork, I make one half of an X on two copies. On one, black, on the other, red. When the paperwork is processed, I complete the entry in the database and complete the X, only on the red copy. Then I file the paperwork. I do this all day. Occasionally, I answer the phone. I also set up "high level" meetings, once a month in the summer, once a week in the winter. I listen to Pandora. My stations are "Folked Up," "Radio Radio," "Radio Betsee" and "Jazz Hands." I usually run out of my month of free listening minutes.

I have a much cherished degree in Art Education. See how I capitalized it? It means a lot to me, but doesn't mean much in the real world. If I had the time, I could become an excellent potter. When I went to college, I wanted to be a painter. (I haven't painted in so many years.) Then I thought about majoring in English. (I'm four credits short of a minor degree in writing.) I graduated a capable art teacher. (I quit three months into my first school year.) I think I should have majored in ceramics and cared for the notion that a master's degree is valuable. I guess I could be teaching people how to throw pottery, but I don't think you need a master's degree to do that ... or to do much of anything. I'm a secretary, an assistant to people who went to school longer, make more money, and are less talented at things I consider valuable to the quality of this life.

 

I don't really get to do what I want to do, what I think I could be considerably more successful doing, what would actually expand my mind and my existence. I have some free time, but I don't have many options for changing the grand scheme of things. And while I know this is not limited to just my predicament, I sure do feel alone in it. Buried in bills, buried in responsibilities, buried in expectations, buried in wishes and wants.

Do you feel equipped to succeed in life without really trying? Did anyone ever teach you to really try?

Uphill.

I want to:
make SaysYou something more, something BIG
focus on something, anything other than this day job
weed the flower bed, plant my peony
not fall into the habit of making lists about what I wish I was doing

I stumbled up on this wreath on Spearmint Decor and now I'm feeling ready to face the blazing heat and make my house pretty. That would mean powerwashing and painting, weeding and planting, mowing and sweeping. But, first we must tackle the basement, which has been tackled (and tackled again) to ward off any more black widows and the rising humidity levels in the house. I can do it. And maybe I'll treat myself afterwards, it's been a long time since I've really bought myself anything that I've wanted. It would be a treat to have a lovely wreath for the front door. I can accept that treats come after hard work; I love to clean, get sweaty and really polish something up, arrange the belongings we've aquired and look at them all spruced and fluffed and lovely. I haven't done that in a while. I'm able to get a room or two spit shined, but there's never time to waller around in how good it looks before it's all crapped up again. It would be good to get the outside of the house looking as pretty as the inside sometimes looks.
To end on a positive note (if this tends on the negative side), I am only hoping to be more productive, to feel more alive and fulfilled than I do during the 7.5 hours I sit at my desk during the day. I can do it, if I try. I can be who I want to be.

"Lent is a call to weep for what we could have been and are not. Lent is the grace to grieve for what we should have done and did not. Lent is the opportunity to change what we ought to change but have not. Lent is not about penance. Lent is about becoming, doing and changing whatever it is that is blocking the fullness of life in us right now." - SJC

I have never observed Lent, didn't know what is was until a few years ago, and upon learning about giving up sweets or coca-cola for Jesus it just didn't click. But, a call to weep, the gift of grace, an opportunity, becoming, doing, and changing whatever is it that is blocking the fullness of life, does click. A big, CLAH-CHUNK kind of click. If I need to wear a rubber band or a shock collar, give up soda or red meat to start knocking down the wall between me and the fullness, I will.

I picked up a needle and thread for the first time in many, many dull months. I didn't follow through for very long, instead I reverted back to the same old gritty ache of procrastination, regret, and pity for myself. Sometimes (most times) making something is an exercise in self discipline, in achievement, in loving myself and pride and I nearly never follow through. Why is that? Why do I set aside the things I love for all the mediocrity I despise? I nearly always follow through in punishing myself, even if it is punishment through simple avoidance. It's so easy to avoid good things for yourself, things that are whole and healthy, and that leads to utter avoidance of good things for others - something I'm very, very guilty of. If I had been using my hands to make something positive, would my words all these months have followed suit? Would my deeds, my thoughts, my actions, my outcomes? Yes, I think so. And for that I am grieving, low to the ground, quietly, reverently ... and considering what I can do to change all this.

Mental Jitters

I'm trying to decide if I am allowed to drink coffee. May I eat popcorn everyday? Is it okay if I don't put the laundry away? Can I wear chucks to work? After another year passes, just how much more is my face going to change? If I revive my passion for stickers will anyone see something is amiss? Would that make things better? What if I never used my hands again, made constant reference to the beautiful things I once made, and sank slowly into a green sofa would anyone come looking? I'm drinking hot chocolate instead. Crafty Supermarket, Cincinnati's premiere craft market, will be May 7th this year. We juried into the first event, were engaged at the second, were married on the date of the third, and hopefully this fourth event, we'll be there with bells on. Who's going to hold me accountable?

Last night I found myself alone on the couch with The Love Bug noisily buzzing in the background and a book on my lap, lots of thoughts meandering and forming into lists. It was welcome. However, the same thoughts now formed in lists are not welcome this Monday morning. Lists tend to either overwhelm me or push me on track. I'm not sure what will come of today. I neglected to put on socks, there's a dusting of snow. Enough. Two big things to do this week. Just be, most importantly, and then create a project for the book proposal. From there the next book endeavor is to flesh out another project. It will be good for me to do whether the book becomes reality or not. Soon, pictures of She-Ra.

Another One.

I haven't embroidered in over eight months.

I changed my name.

I renewed.

I worked with my hands in new ways.

I celebrated another year with them.

I captured a lot of love with a lens.

be Betsy

capture more love

celebrate one more day

embroider everyday

learn to sew

love this

Stinky Pete.

Christmas felt like Christmas, felt like true family, a new start, the beginning of something unknown. I'm glad 2010 is over. There hasn't been a year I've been sad to see pass. A list: 1) Be Betsy again. 2) * see number 1

Wake Up.

I woke up to three inches of snow and a sick husband, whom I took care of dutifully with wifely type care. I didn't call in, instead I swept snow off the car, which is a new step towards responsibility. And in the back of my head, creeping towards the front, is the fact that I don't feel like it's Christmas. I want to go home and snuggle this day, read a book and drink coffee, get jittery and clean the house. There's time for that tonight. We'll wrap presents and fold laundry.

SaysYou is up and running, I have new hearts and requests for quirky customs. On the forefront for 2011 - a book by Betsy Bailey Nickens. With luck (which seems to abound, but I rarely take the time to notice), a publisher will pick up the proposal and I'll be authoring a book including 20 or more embroidery projects. I'll read this a few more times and maybe it will sink in to reality.

Happy Christmas. Let's hope it's a good one.

This Must Be the Place.

I am learning that there is more in this world than just me. There are bobots and fart houses and sock hands.

But, there is still time for me. There's time for me to be quiet.

I am the best I can be when I realize they need me to be this.

For You to Know

This is what had made me sad today:
http://www.habitblog.com/habit/
And I am not sure why. Maybe it's that I never use my camera enough to suit my tendencies to want to remember, to need to remember because my brain is always full of what is not important.
So, I want to take pictures of the small things that should be large in my days. I'll start later with the rain that finally eased my tired mind. And I'll make the rain nice in my mind with a picture.

A Seven Page List

Today, Why don't you:
take a walk, take your camera
>organize the pantry
embroider
fix dollhouse furniture
go to the park
do an art project with the kids
go thru stuff in the basement
take a Goodwill trip
plan dinner, invite friends
sit on the front porch
plant a garden
listen to albums
make wedding decisions
read a book
invite cousins over to play
>go swim, take dinner
have a drink and sit down
call a friend
>rearrange furniture, move it back
change out a picture in a frame
buy a new shirt
paint my toenails
make the bed
>open the blinds
drive somewhere
bake something and share it
look at a book
>think about an art class you might teach
create a monthly budget
get cable
weed the flower bed
sweep the porch
change out some decorations
make another list
organize something
>go to the Peddler's Mall
go to the library
window shop
go to Bowling Green
go to Pop's Resale
visit Nanny
get a tattoo
buy flowers
get an indoor plant
read outside
slow down
>look out the window for a while
be quiet
do your nails
color your hair
try new make-up
>work out
>be nice
>wash the sheets
upload music
set up craft space
read another book
find a recipe
go swimming again
>get sweaty, take a shower
look thru art text books
speed up
power wash the house
paint the shutters
finish the porch
make a huge payment on the credit card
organize Christmas stuff
>visit mom and dad
make something
help make magnonauts
apply for a craft fair
go away for a weekend
>sit under a tree
>take the day off
paint the bathroom
buy a new pair of shoes
>read a book to the kids
take the kids to a museum
>go to a show or concert
>organize the kitchen
play every Wii game
play every Super NES game
>consolodate something
>take some pictures
>wear a dress
play a game
have a game night
go somewhere new
smell the roses
hold hands
talk to each other
go to a movie
have mom and dad over for dinner

I don't know whether to speed up or slow down.

Things I Love SO MUCH.

Lynden is the most joyful little dude I've ever met. He's funny and smart and in the habit of throwing himself on the floor but not making much of a fuss when he doesn't get what he wants, which is nearly always "tandy" (candy). Or "chocate milk!"

Vivi is in the stage of throwing absolute fits, prompted by anything but mostly access to candy, not getting amovie she wants, and when Betsy reads James and the Giant Peach instead of Daddy. This little lady is much braver than I was at her age, but just as emotional. I love it. "SO MUCH!" as Genevieve says.

Vivi loves to sew with me, she likes the shish shwoop of the needle coming up and going down. When she lays her head on my shoulder to watch, I'm the happiest couch potato on the planet. And when that little dude dances to funk music, my heart goes crazy. I'm lucky. I'm lucky SO MUCH that I have these little people in my life.

And then there's this guy. My best friend. He makes me laugh. And all kinds of other good stuff. And then there's this that relieves my need to create. That's very important.

I was going to list stuff I hate, like slurping from a water fountain, having a desk by the bathroom at work, humidity, folding laundry...but then I remembered. I love a lot of things SO MUCH more than I hate a lot of things. That's important, too.

The Deal.

Here it is: I watched an instructional video on line shading needlepoint. INSPIRED! I started brainstorming new shop banner designs. INSPIRED! I decided not to let my boyfriend do all the creative work for SaysYou. INSPIRED! I received Charley Harper (An Illustrated Life). DOUBLE INSPIRED! I got a bag from TippiThai. INSPIRED! I suddenly started feeling like a mother. TRIPLE DOUBLE DOG INSPIRED! I ate fruit for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. BRING IT ON! I hope you're inspired, too. I am waiting for Ray Lamontagne's first album to arrive on my doorstep. Kale just got a recording of what his band has been doing. I embroidered a shirt for my future brother-in-law. I got Golden Girls, Season 3, back from my friend. It's crazy how such tiny things make the most difference to the grand scheme of things. Like how Ryan Adam's Oh My God Whatever, Ect. just started playing on Pandora. You need to come sit with me right now. Good things are happening all around me. Tonight I'm setting up my embroidery space. Tomorrow I'm starting a new project. INSPIRED!!!

Old Familiar Places.

It's that time again, that time for reflection, and for the record, I have not been overly reflective in 2008. It was high time that I gave up on regrets and focused on selfish desires. It seems that when I did, I came across the best things, the most significant (if not painful) things that taught me the lessons I'd been searching for. Two thousand and eight was a learning year. I made many mistakes. We always do. There is no sense in fretting over mistakes anymore. I'm a big girl now. What might have been a great mistake, when I took the biggest leap at certain insanity and gave in to the wild desires of my heart, this was the turning point of my little life. I found love beyond what I've ever known. It was not easy and it won't be easy, probably not ever. Not never. But it is love. Of that I am certain. And so grateful for the mistakes.

Leaf Shower.

There's something about this November. It has to do with what is happening in my little piece of the world this year, as everything is shedding its skin and being honest and vulnerable like the trees are in the autumn. I have a sense that everything I'm doing is making a very significant impact on my life and I'm completely comfortable with that. It has been time for something new for a long time.

I don't want to get too sentimental.

2007 was the worst year. I believe I've come round full circle. 2008 has hope. The hardest part had to be diagnosing my heartache. It stemmed not from failure or loss or abuse, but the lack of anything better to focus on. Priorities were out of place. Perspective jacked. It took some sorting. It was a process. I've tried not to look back. When my mind goes there I have to mentally change the channel in my brain. Like when I was little and my mind would shift to bad thoughts I would literally knock myself on the head and imagine changing channels. It worked. It still works. Sometimes we have to reprimand ourselves. I will celebrate the new year. I'm glad to shed this skin. I believe this is the first year I've felt a change is gonna come.