Room to Breathe

This was a good weekend including the one very awful day I had on my own. Friday night we ate dinner with Trent, Anna, and Luke, then hung out at Luke's house where Suzy and Tristan joined us. Saturday, Krista and I went to a consignment sale and I bought a bunch of kids' clothes for $35. I spent some time with my parents and enjoyed the sunshine. Later I spent the afternoon at the recording studio where Kale and Triceratops Jackson are recording their album. It was so much fun to see in progress. I'm so proud of Kale. Anna and Suzy and I spent the evening together, it was fun.

On Sunday, I lost my head. I spent the day crying and walking in circles around my house disappointed in the lack of progress and my unwillingness to get anything done. The sink was busted and I washed dishes in the bathtub, which was difficult because of my belly. ...Everything was difficult because of my belly. The irrational way I dealt with stress and being alone is embarrassing. I wish I had reached out to someone further than text messaging.

But I'm seeing it differently today. I am reminded of the irrational way I reacted to the stress of our wedding. I was belligerently unwilling to let go of the responsibility of anything, everything, and I took it all out on Kale. I resented others for not helping, yet I gave no room to breathe to anyone in the room when I was overwhelmed by unspoken tensions and disappointments. I never let anyone know my expectations and I never delineated any responsibilities to anyone else.

Do you know who I am so grateful for? My daughter. She is so excited to plan our baby shower. She has started the ball rolling into my sisters' court so that I don't have to worry. I just need to register for what I need. I just have to consider what I need and pass it on to someone else.

And I am reminded to be considerate and aware of my husband, who will (just like in the case of the wedding) be front and center, most involved and duteously taking care of business. There will be a crib and room to breathe for me, Elliot, and him. It will be beautiful and he will undoubtedly craft the entire space.

I need to step back and enjoy the time I have with Elliot inside me, when he is mine and we are together. I am so proud to be carrying a little baby. I am so proud to have been given this gift and responsibility. I cannot believe the shameful way I cried and pouted and screamed when left alone to my own devices. I am so often reminded that my own devices are flawed and tragic at best. But, I can forgive myself and move on.